So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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