Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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