I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
