God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
