Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
