Sponge bath it is.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
