Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
