We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
