i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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