im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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