please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
