I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
