3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
