This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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