Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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