Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
