remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
