Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
