Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
