this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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