yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
