Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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