Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She's the barista slut.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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