winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
