ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
