I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
This house was built for laser tag.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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