just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
