last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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