I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this beer tastes like vomit already
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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