My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
How external is "for external use only"?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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