I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hippo gnu deer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
