batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
