you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
