we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
