I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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