You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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