Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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