I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He passed out mid-signature
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
