I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
