i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
