guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
