For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
