On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
