Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
