Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
