I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize