She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
