i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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