Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
