you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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