If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
