It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
