my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize