Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
